I identify as a conservative Republican. I've always voted Republican. OK, stop. Right here is our first teachable moment. The Right went wrong by telling voters like me we're not conservative enough just because we don't swoon for The Tea Party. Republicans like me prefer diplomacy and compromise. We look askance at sensational Glenn Beckism. To women like me, the Tea Party is a squally pack of overreacting toddlers. I should know, I've mothered five toddlers.

Mistake #2: Instead of ignoring these temper-tantrums, Republicans listened to these melodramatic toddlers wailing about impending-socialism-end-of-the-free-world-I-want-my-AK47-NOW!-yada-yada.

#3. And then? THEN Republicans gave into the caterwauling and ELECTED a bunch of these Tea Partying Toddlers!

Frankly, this is a damn embarrassment. And I'm convinced it lost us the election.

This is what happened to the GOP: it went all fundamentalist. It lost its ability to compromise. It favored perfect ideology over good enough practicality.

I keep myself calm by telling myself the GOP has been hijacked by a pack of drunk toddlers. We need to round up those staggering Tea Partiers, give them a hot bath, a few snuggles and then put them to bed. AND NOT ALLOW THEM TO GET BACK UP.

Not even for a cup of water.

Not even for just-one-more-bedtime-kiss.

Because here's the truth: our world has changed. We Republicans can keep throwing fits or we can evolve. Oooooh, I said the "E" word! Ack! What's next? Evolution?! RUN FOR THE HILLLLLLS!

Ahem. Pulling myself together, now. Here's how the GOP can become grand again:

1. Understand that reducing abortion means providing FREE healthcare for pregnant women and their children.
2. Worry about the immediate perils of the current heterosexual divorce rate rather than the perils of same-sex marriage.
3. Stop acting like gun ownership is a divine right conferred upon us by God Himself.
4. Reduce, reuse, recycle.
5. Stop bitching about "bad" science re: global warming.
6. Read more books.
7. Watch less cable TV.
8. Eat dinner at home with our families.
9. Talk with our kids.
10. Listen to Mozart instead of Limbaugh.
11. Call out mega-church pastors for their spiteful tweets about our President.
12. Pray for President Obama.
13. Refrain from leaving disagreeable comments on EE's blog.
14. Because she will delete you.
15. Which is pretty much like being put to bed without a goodnight kiss.
16. Not that EE would kiss you because
17. She's more of a hugger.
18. She even hugs trees.
19. No, really.
20. Trees are nice.

EE, 2016!