Guys, it’s hard disliking Adele’s new song. Hello—what’s wrong with me? When I tell people I don’t like it they say stuff like: “Oh. So, what DO you like? KILLING BABY ANIMALS?” They are THAT horrified about it. I wish I could like it. I feel so alone. Hello from the outside, indeed.

So, I got to thinking. Maybe I'm not the only one? Maybe there are a few of us out here who aren't all swoon-y about this song? I mean, how does Adele's ex feel about "Hello"? Does he forgive her for breaking his heart? DID HE EVER GET OUT OF THAT TOWN WHERE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED? These are important questions. We need answers!

Well, you're in luck because Adele's ex got in touch with me and gave me all the answers I wanted to know.*

*this is a lie. i don't know Adele's ex. i am making up the answers. please don't sue me.*

Hello, it’s me—Adele’s ex-lover. I've been wondering if you'd like to go over everything that happened? Yeah, me neither. But it don't matter. We're here now, aren't we? There's a reason why I "never seem to be home." This is how it really happened. Hello from the other side of the story. 

1.     “Hello, it’s me…”: Yeah, I know.

2.     “I must’ve called a thousand times” : That’s how I knew it was you. Stalker, much?

3.     “But when I call you never seem to be home” : Oh, I’m home. I’m just screening your calls. Caller ID. It’s a thing. P.S. you’re not tricking me by calling from an “Unknown Number.”

4.     “I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to go over everything” : NOW you want to go over everything? It’s been YEARS, Adele. Years. And no, I don’t need to go over ANYthing. I’m pretty clear about what happened, thanks.

5.     “I must’ve called a thousand times” : Yes, we’ve established this. Repeating yourself isn’t creepy AT ALL. Do I need a restraining order? Look, I’m not the bad guy for ignoring you. I’m trying to keep myself safe FROM A STALKER. See #2.

6.     “It’s so typical of me to talk about myself” : Yes, it is typical. This is why we’re no longer in a relationship. I quit dating narcissists. P.S. Only YOU would write a line saying sorry for talking about yourself while STILL TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF.

7.     “It clearly doesn’t tear you up anymore” : Actually? I'm not torn up because you can’t make me feel bad about myself anymore. But I AM annoyed. Stop calling me.

8.     “Did you ever make it out of that town where nothing ever happened?” : Oh, so now you’re insulting my hometown? Ohhhkaaay. You should stay in California. Pretentiousness suits you.

9.     “It’s no secret that both of us are running out of time” : Speak for yourself, lady. Time is on my side. I’ve never felt better.

10. “At least I can say that I tried” : If by “trying” you mean exploiting our breakup to write a song all about yourself then, yep. You really “tried.” Congratulations. Here’s your trophy. Now get the hell out my life.