The Amazing, Magical, Shrink-Me Swimsuit

I just know it's out there.

It's the swimsuit of my dreams. I've been looking for Miss Right Suit ever since I gave birth to my first child.

The Amazing, Magic, Shrink-Me Swimsuit is able to erase stretch marks, lipo-zap my thighs, elongate my legs, lift my 3x breastfeeding bust and make me feel like a million bucks.

I don't think this is too much to ask. Afterall, if I'm gonna shell out $98 for a swimsuit, it darn well better perform magic tricks.

This suit from J.Crew promises to minimize my hips. I'm wondering how so little fabric achieves this effect. Is the teeny-tiny ruffle supposed to distract the eye? And if eyes are distracted away from my hips, just where is the focal point? Because my arms need minimizing too.

Maybe I'm looking for a suit that minimizes everything? But given the flab to fabric ratio, I think this is nigh well impossible.

OK, I just need a Mirage Suit. I slip it on and and everyone who looks at me sees a mirage: slender limbs, long legs, that sort of careless grace that thin people have.

The Mateo, catching me obsessing over the new J.Crew swimsuits, commented dryly:

"If you went back to Weight Watchers you could wear any suit you wanted."

Thanks, babe.

It was so much nicer to pretend that I could buy myself skinny.