more on the earthquake

I'm not proud of how I handled it.

I freaked out.

I've heard preachers say that how a Christian responds in crisis speaks volumes about the sincerity of her faith. I'm hoping that's not true. If it's true then I am a very weak Christian.

Because in a crisis? I'm not very "Christian." I shoot directly in panic mode. Get everyone out, help, help, help and no, no, no--that's pretty much what was going through my head. I wasn't calm, I wasn't even praying. I was just plain panicking.

As a kid, I was phobic about earthquakes. My terror of quakes started with the '87 Whittier Quake. The epicenter was just a few miles from my home. One of my dear friends reminded me how as a kid I refused to play outdoors under the big trees because I was afraid of them toppling on me. I avoided elevators, hated sleeping on the second floor, and prayed every night for years that God would keep back The Big One.

Today, when the earthquake hit, I dashed outside. It was instinctual, a gut reaction. Was I really thinking about Jude? Or did I just want to get to safety first?

I've been obsessing about it since this morning and I feel terribly guilty. Why wasn't my first thought for the twins? Why didn't I run to them, regardless of my own safety? I could almost cry right now thinking about it. I feel like such a bad mom.

I try to tell myself that I DID go back inside (while the earthquake was still rolling) and grab one of the twins. This makes me feel better--kind of. But really, I should have gone to the twins FIRST.

I'm going to bed tonight feeling frightened and guilty.

And the looming question in my mind is this: does God judge us based on how we behave during scary moments? Or does He take the larger view--the sum view of our lives? Please share with me your thoughts....