Everything I know about God I learned in my laundry pile

The first lesson you learn in motherhood is that when you create a human, you also spend a lot of time cleaning up after it. Which, if you think about it, is pretty much what God has been doing since the day He created humans. Cleaning up after us, I mean. The second lesson you learn in motherhood is that laundry, like God, is never-ending. You're never really done with laundry. And if my experience with God is anything like my experience with laundry, no sooner do you think you've got a handle on it--then something big comes along (like, say, the birth of twins) to remind you that uhhhh, nope! You are in way over your head.

Which is to say, I've stopped trying to find out where God ends and just do a better job managing my dirty laundry---literally and figuratively.

I've also learned that slacking off on the laundry is a lot like slacking off in my relationship with God. Sure, I can let all my sins pile up but then it's just a huge undertaking getting myself back on track again. I find it's better to do three loads of laundry per day which keeps everyone clothed and helps us avoid those mornings when three kids can't find matching socks and two other kids have no underwear.

Likewise, keeping up with God everyday helps me avoid those mornings when I show up at Confession in mismatched socks and dirty underwear, spiritually speaking.

What's really important to understand about laundry is that you can't treat every item the same. Some stuff you can chuck into blazing hot water with hard-agitation and a high-heat dry cycle. Other stuff is delicate and requires cool water, gentle agitation and an air-dry.

Pretty much this is how God deals me, too. If God stuck someone like me in hot water and a high-heat dry cycle, I'd shrink up and die. I'm sensitive which means I'll take my cleanings gentle with a nice line-dry in a sunny breeze, thankyouverymuch.

And we all know that God created natural family planning which is just another way of saying laundry. After doing a week's worth of laundry for the seven members of my family, it's not super difficult for me to say: "Honey, no sex on my fertile days." Mainly because I'm wholly worn-out---which is just another way of saying holy, of course.

Lastly, I used to get all riled up about that Scripture verse: "women will be saved through childbirth." But recently, I've landed on the obvious explanation. Clearly, this verse is all about laundry.

After millions of loads of laundry, I know exactly what "being saved through childbirth" means: mothers are so worn-out from doing laundry they simply don't have enough energy for going out and committing mortal sins.

All I'm saying is that I'd be a much better sinner if only I didn't have so much laundry to do. Oh well, somebody's gotta be a saint around here.