The indignities of Greek yogurt

If you buy an individual sized Fage greek yogurt you will notice a pronunciation guide on the side of every carton. Fage (pronounced: fa-yeh!).

Yes, it has an exclamation point because nobody talks about Greek yogurt without proper pronunciation and excitable punctuation.

Pronounced fa-yeh!!!!!!!

I am a real Greek. My maiden name is Geftakys. Well, that was the Americanized version. Family lore says that when Great-Grandpa George came through Ellis Island in the early 1920’s, the customs agent changed our Greek last name to something more pronounceable in English. Hence: Yeftakis became Geftakys.

Back to yogurt.

i am perplexed by the packaging of Fage Greek yogurt (pronounced: fa-yeh!. 

With the small carton you just peel back the foil lid, mix in the fruit jam and begin eating. If, however, you buy the larger size, things get a bit more complicated.

First of all there is the plastic lid which is whatever. Everything has a plastic lid. No big deal. But the question is: why?

Why does the larger Fage yogurt (pronounced: SHUT UP!) get a lid and the little, individual sizes get none? It’s not fair. Does this mean the little guys can keep themselves all fresh and Greek-y with just the foil lid? Is it because they’re so small and cute and nobody would suspect them of going sour?

I suppose it’s like Spiderman: with great yogurt comes great responsibility. More yogurt requires more lids. Might as well double up. It’s also sort of like birth control. If you’re smack-dab in the middle of your most fertile years, double up. You’re going to need a plastic lid and a foil one.

Of course, we can’t forget the round parchment paper that is underneath the foil lid, sitting flat on top of your yogurt.

This parchment, we learn, is supposed to absorb the whey that rises to the top after yogurt is made. This parchment, I say, is terrifying—especially when you go to take your first bite and up comes your spoon there it is, this horrifying slimy thing hooked on your spoon like some beast rearing up from the bog of your yogurt.

You didn’t know the Loch Ness Monster lived in Fa-YEH! yogurt, did you?

This parchment paper is a hazard and there should be warnings. I mean, what if you’re looking at your phone checking Facebook and whatnot while you and you absentmindedly dip your spoon into the yogurt? Then you bring it to your mouth and Fa-HEY! Monster paper on your tongue. Not that I’ve ever done that.

There are other considerations pertaining to Greek yogurt: mainly, is one supposed to stir the yogurt before consuming it? Is Greek yogurt like Laura Scudder’s (pronounced scuh-ders) peanut butter? You stir before eating?

Because that means there’s just one more opportunity for the monsters among us to make themselves known. You know who you are: ye non-stirrers of the peanut butter. Ye lazy lobsters, you. NOT EVERY PEANUT BUTTER IS JIFF!

Modern life is overwhelming for me. So many options. So many different ways of eating the same kind of food. So many different ways of flushing a toilet.

I was in the airport last year on one of those super rare occasions where I have to fly (which is terrifying all by itself) and the airport toilets were a mystery to me. There were so many options for flushing. I just wanted the one that said: LEVER HERE. But instead there were diagrams and flowcharts (har-har) and even little drawings depicting the forcefulness of each flush. Do you prefer the single drip flush? The double drip flush? OR THE MEGA WHOPPER OMG DID THAT JUST COME OUT OF ME flush? I go for the mega whopper every time. Because I like killing the Earth. Kidding. It's because I’m super paranoid that the next person in line will come upon my excretions.

I have issues. I don’t like the way we flush our toilets and I don’t like the way we eat in these modern times. Then again, now it’s trendy to eat like they did in the olden days. Like Neanderthals. Or Paleo-enthals. Look, I have deep suspicions about the Paleo diet thing. I just know those olden-day humans were sneaking in Wonder Bread with their side of cow.

You know there just had to be some kid choking on the parchment paper of his Greek yogurt and then saying: screw it! And eating peanut butter straight from the jar. Without stirring it.